The pants of shame, or POS for short

So, I went a little overboard on an old writing prompt at Kristen Lambs blog:

It was pretty fun to free-flow some ideas for a truly, TRULY ugly pair of pants. Check the link out. Just do it. The true history of the POS is laid out below, I researched for damn near 45 seconds to find the truth…

The famed monk Piehole the Pie-us was given the duty, upon swearing his oath to the Order of the Loom, of creating an undergarment for the most penitent of the order. It was to be a garment most itchy; indeed, this pair of drawers was to be so ghastly as to make one’s very eyeballs itch upon even the most accidental viewing. While the appearance was one of snug fit, the effect was one of itchy-wool-atonement to the gonadal region of the monk who had taken it upon himself to repent.
The effect of creating such a dastardly attritional garment was not immediately realized. Being made of the most course of available wool, the POS could not be washed between the individual monk’s rites of penitence. As the years passed, they became fetid, but this in and of itself was of little consequence as the monks themselves rarely bathed and never ventured into the world outside the Monastery of Fleece. It was not until the first crotch crickets took up residence (the first reference to said crotch crickets in the POS being listed in The Manifesto of Monk Eugene the Fusser in 1466, just months before he burned down the entire abbey in an attempt to destroy the POS) that the destructive power of the garment became apparent. Having miraculously survived the fire (they were being worn by Monk Pontious Pissalot as atonement for an unnamed but assuredly horrid misdeed when he swam the moat of stale beer to escape the flames) they were later, in 1478, the inspiration for many of the actions of the Tribunal of the Holy Office of the Inquisition (later simply referred to as the Spanish Inquisition). The Pants of Shame were used exclusively for the most heretic of those sentenced by the inquisition until the early 1800’s, when the pants of shame were stolen by a young Bonapartist who decided that they were “fashionable.” (as a side note, the POS were considered decidedly “unfashionable” for their entire history, save for the Bonapartists and a period of approximately 4 years in the United States from 1969-1972) When the body of this poor soul washed up on the shores of Elba after his death from anemia, the stage was set for the unlikely return of Napoleon from his exile. The memoirs of his assistant, Pierre le Cochon, suggests that the loss at Waterloo could be partially attributed to Napoleon’s “inability to stop scratching his nether-quarters”.
Although many have chosen death rather than have to wear the Pants of Shame, It is interesting to note that Ozzie Osbourne wore them for the entirety of his “Paranoid” tour with Black Sabbath, seemingly without incident. They were stolen by a roadie while Ozzie was passed out in the back of his tour bus, which led to Ozzie leaving Black Sabbath and going on to a solo career. That same roadie was bludgeoned to death with a tire iron by a hobo just months later. The Pants of Shame have been mentioned only in urban folklore, but not actually seen by reliable sources, since 1975.


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